Every now and then, I get a huge sense of overwhelm.
It often comes out of nowhere, and it appears when I least expect it. It is debilitating, demotivating, anxiety-ridden, oppressive and depressive. It is both numbing and sensitising at the same time.
Overwhelm hits me even when I don’t feel like I’m in the middle of a lot of things – when I feel like I have everything under control. Then I start thinking about one thing – just one thing – and I start feeling so frustrated and upset and all these other feelings I can’t give a name to.
Right now, I’m in the middle of overwhelm. I’m attempting to curb it by writing instead of internalising, but I was just thinking about writing copy for my website to try and create a sales page – not that difficult – and got hit by a wave of anxiety. Why does this make me so anxious? It’s just words on a page, a webpage no less, that can be added to or changed or deleted altogether if necessary. I shouldn’t be this concerned about it.
But sitting down and actually doing it is filling me with dread and fear. I am gritting my teeth and procrastinating. And procrastinating makes the overwhelm worse, because it then means things get put off until the last minute, which is when EVERYTHING has to be done, and the overwhelm is at its peak.
I breathe in, I breathe out. I still feel frustrated and angry and emotional. I want to cry, but I don’t want to at the same time, because I know it’s so stupid to feel so emotional over such petty shit. This wave will no doubt mean I get even less sleep tonight than I normally do.
This feeling hurts my stomach, my head, but most of all my heart. I am not feeling like I am good enough to achieve. If I were talking to someone else in this same situation, I would be telling them that they are totally worthy, they can do anything they put their minds to, follow their hearts and dreams, do what is right for them and fuck the rest.
Why can I not follow my own advice? What is holding me back?